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Farming a Monster for Ellen DeGeneres
January 28, 2010


Ting and I were both "farming" a slug or some kind of slimy insect that was growing the more it ate. I fed a "praying mantis" to it (but it wasn't a praying mantis, it was something stuck on the side of my parent's garden wall) . i watched it eat through the thing like an inch worm through a leaf.

Ellen came periodically to check up on it. She had a running contest going. If it passed a certain point in size she would make an announcement that she was not gay. At one point, near the garage, while Ting and I were exhibiting the slimy little monster with Ellen and a small crowd gathered around, Ellen said "that's what you want, right? for me to announce that i'm not gay." And there was a pause. She began to speak again and I interrupted. "I don't care if you're gay. I don't really care one way or another." another pause. the monster-viewing continued.

Ellen wasn't convinced the thing was alive, but that's because Ting had prematurely ripped it from the praying mantis site. Pieces were still twisting slowly on the ground but they were not the brain. the brain was protected under a march larger shell that now appeared and began to collect its parts. the brain part was black and had little feet.


______ after relaying this Ting, she asked me what I thought it meant. I responded:

not sure what it means.  i remember being a little irked that you had taken the little slimy thing from the praying mantis prematurely, before it was done eating it.  I think i was aware that you were sort of star struck and wanted to impress Ellen.  So that's why when it backfired and Ellen said she didnt see it moving or wasnt convinced it was alive, I had to sort of sigh and thought to myself "well yea that's because Ting ripped it away from the wall too soon"  -  hm, but let's see.  Ellen's announcement was something of a goal... something that I did not care about at all.  maybe that's marriage?  maybe your ripping the little monster away from the praying mantis too soon was your sacrificing something we'd grown together for Ellen, whose stardom and "goal" and so forth I found inconsequential to us and the life of this little monster.