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Crow With a Broken Wing
April 12, 2012

 

I was the host or talent of some television commercial or other enterprise. my job was to get in front of the camera and talk excitedly about something - something i didnt particularly feel strongly for, but it was my job, and i was a sell-out. I was doing it because it was part of my career. In retrospect, it was a vocation i wasnt uncomfortable doing, but that was ultimately insignificant when compared to the circumstance that I suddenly found myself in.

I remember flailing my arms dramatically as part of the script i was reading. The crow as i understood, had flown past me when i was flailing my arm, and it tore off its wing. at the moment, i had not realized what happened, so i stuttered and hesitated, but returned to my work. Later, I saw a crow with only one wing faltering on the ground, and i became sad. "I must have done that," I thought to myself. "That bird is going to die now." I felt guilty.

I was in my backyard, and my father was there. I was using his telephoto lens to shoot pictures of the backyard. at first i was unsure why the lens looked so different, and then i realized it was his lens, not mine. My mother was there and pointed out that it was my father's lens. The sun was in the picture and it was hard to focus on the things i wanted to photograph. I saw the crow through the lens. It was on the ground. I tried to take a picture of it, but had trouble because the golden sun was behind it. This time, it had something in its mouth -- the wing that broke off! it also had a piece of straw in its mouth. it was stammering away, towards its nest perhaps.

Later on i saw the crow again, and this time i was shocked, and enthralled. The crow was tying its wing back onto its body with the strip of straw, as a heroine addict would tie a turneqit to its arm. The crow now wore a pink hankercheif to help fasten the wing. The crow began to fly, and i was joyous. wow... how resilient... and i didn't kill it!

at one point i was photographing stuff in the backyard, and i saw the crow flying towards me. i put down the camera. I was afraid the crow was coming to avenge itself. Would it peck my eyes out? It landed next to me and looked at me, then nudged me, as a cat would with its nose.

"i'm sorry, i didnt mean to. I broke your wing off"

"Why do you think you were the one to break my wing?"

"Well, because i was being dramatic, flailing my arms around, and didnt see you flying by."

"Are you sure?"

We rewinded, and then i watched myself. The moment when something happened was not well caught on tape, so it continued to be ambiguous. But i was fairly sure I had done it. I really had no doubt.

I don't know how we communicated, but we definitely had a conversation. I don't remember it speaking english, or any words. but words were understood.

The crow approached me closer and as it did, it became younger, like a chick with thin hairs. Its eyes became rounder and more perceptible, more human. black and shiny. I petted it, and felt close to it. I was glad it was still alive, and glad it forgave me.

I realized only after waking up and having one of those 'I'm not over my ex' days, that the crow must have been her. (She has shown up in my dreams before as animals. Once, she was a horse, biting me.) Why else was the hankerchief pink? The crow was decidedly feminine at that point. And the guilt i feel for having ruined my relationship with my ex is illustrated in this dream. i didnt mean to, but i did it anyway. Perhaps this is an idealistic dream: she forgives me. But in real life, she has not.